If you don’t find this funny, you need not visit my site anymore.

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I saw the LARGEST bug in life last week. I am convinced its not native to Earth. I think it escaped from Area 51 or something… and it had a friend.

The morning started as any other… I was on my way to work, and I needed to get gas. Being creatures of habit, of course, I went to my normal gas station. Little did I know I was driving into a sci-fi flick. I pulled along the pump, and everything seemed normal. I got out… still normal. So, sometime between when I got out of my car and when I needed to press the button to select my gas things became not normal.

That bug was the size of a Volkswagen… ok, maybe not that big, but still big. I am not one who is afraid of bugs (that’s my fiance, lol) but this one made me take a double take. It was perched on the pump beside the button I needed to press. I thought maybe it was sleeping, and I could be sneaky and press the button… nope. It woke up with a vengeance and attacked me! It few in my face and tried to get my eye with its pincher. Then it went for my neck… it was horrible. Ok, that didn’t really happen… It barely moved when I hit the button, but it could have happened… my eyes were at risk. There was another one chillin’ on the ground in front of the pump. I think it was the first one’s bodyguard in case something popped off. I would have taken that one out too. Anyway, here is a picture of the culprit.

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I will not be posting a lot of stories from the vacation, but there is one I have to share. Its one of those that is funny to look back on, but was definitely not when it was occurring.

It was our second port, Cozumel, and I planned to have a fantastic time. We all got off of the boat, and decided to meet at Senor Frogs. After a few people took a detour via some of the port shops and the duty free store, we all arrived at the bar. So not its time to plan the day. Problem is you have eight people, and all of us do not want to do the same thing… so no plan was ever set in stone. We all went back to the stores, one of us decided to buy a watch from one of the jewelery stores.

Well, I guess the three of us took too long in the jewelery store, because when we were done, there was no one to be found.

Side note…. I am glad I was not banking on buying a diamond from an island during the cruise. We look at some stones to satisfy a curiosity, and they were garbage. Ok, maybe that was a bit harsh, but they were not nearly as nice as the one I ended up purchasing. They quality of the stones was not that good, and their selection was slim. Not only that, but one stone had a chipped and dirty culet (the point at the bottom). But wait, there’s more. One of us asked if they were conflict stones, and to our surprise the sales woman replied, “of course, DeBeers is our supplier.” I had to respect her honestly, but was completely floored that someone may have lost their life for those diamonds… and they weren’t even good stones!

Back to the story… so the three of us decided to find a beach and go jet skiing… we had no clue where the other five were. Several hours later, I was on the ramp to get back on the boat, and here comes one of my fraternity brothers running up telling me that another one of us got into an accident on a scooter, and they were not letting him leave until he paid the damages. Imagine that… being held by the federales… in danger of being left in Mexico.

So we cut the rest of the line to get back on the boat and hit an ATM to get money to pay off his debt. We also found other in our group to get money… it was a crazy couple of minutes trtying to gather all the money. All I could thing was he must be scared shitless facing the possibility of being left behind. It was just him and the scooter guy (who was holding his cruise card hostage) waiting for us to return w/ some money.

Well, we gather the money, run back out to port, and pay his debt… I am sure he was never so happy to see our shining faces. Hopefully thats the last time he ever gets on a scooter. I am pretty sure being held hostage in Mexico by the Federales trumps being thrown from a jet ski. I guess I will have to try harder next time.

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There is a new toy out there that is pretty disgusting. Its a pooping Barbie dog. Seriously. I was watching Saturday morning cartoons the other day… yes, I still watch cartoons… but not too much cause cartoons these days suck. Whatever happened to the good ones like Transformers, Thundercats, G.I. Joe, Tom and Jerry, Alvin and the Chipmunks, etc?

OK, I got off on a tangent… back to the crappy toy. During one of the commercial breaks for Batman or something, on comes a Barbie commercial… seems kinda weird to advertise a Barbie during Batman, but whatever. Well in this commercial, Barbie is walking a dog (which is totally unrealistic ’cause we all know she would have Ken on pooper scooper duty), and in the middle of the walk, she feeds is a little brown pellet that looks kinda like a bon-bon. Well like two seconds later, that Scooby Snack she fed him resulted in two brown little tic-tacs falling out of his butt. If the chocolate tic-tacs weren’t gross enough, Barbie used some kind of magnetic wand to pick up Fido’s waste and bag it. Must have been some special Scooby Snack to make his crap magnetic. I am sure this is all pretty unbelievable, so I have provided proof below. Remember, it wasn’t too long ago that they started making dolls that pissed themselves, so crapping house pets could not have been too far behind.

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Evidently, birds have been coming to our front lawn to die. Several weeks ago, I found a small gathering of feathers on our lawn. While I thought it a bit strange, I really didn’t give it too much consideration.

This week, I came home to find a larger pile of feathers on the lawn, this one taking up about a square yard. Now its becoming strange. So, I have a few theories…

1. one of our neighbors is fighting their birds in our yard… hey, its better than pit bulls

2. there is a gang war among the bird community, and they are getting in gang fights on our lawn. I hope they are not trying to claiming as their turf. I’d hate to head out one day only to be jumped by pigeons.

3. the goodfeathers are taking out snitches in front out our house.

4. birds have a club on our roof, are getting a bit too wild at night, having too much to drink, and are not quite making it home. Friends dont let friends fly drunk.

5. there is a family of birds trying to teach their young to fly from our roof… I guess they are not ready for graduation.

6. birds are spontaneously combusting and all that remains is feathers.

Well, no matter what the cause, if I happen to be there next time it happens, I will take video of it and post it on You Tube.

PS - iPhone? Treo, you need to step your game up.

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I have been to Midgetville, and can attest that it is real. This article is way more interesting (and funnier) that one I could write. Enjoy.

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