During some of my days off, I just relaxed and watched TV. In other words, I was lazy. During these lazy days, I started noticing all the commercials that came on. No, I was not tempted to call in the next 60 seconds so they could double my order and make one payment for me, but I did notice that they all shared the same basic formula. That formula usually involved an overly excited spokesperson claiming their product can do wonderful and amazing things. “Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations.”

Billy Mays. Who is this guy? He is all over the place… I believe he started with Oxy Clean and Orange Glow. Little did I know he was the spokesperson for like 50% of all the commercials in existence. He had a commercial for “Mighty Putty”. evidently this is the nest thing since sliced bread. Its some nondescript gray putty in a green tube of some sort. When you knead the gray putty and green tube together, you “activate” the putty to become the most powerful expoxy in the universe. You can make it do anything… you can fill holes and dents in a wall, sand and paint; you can fill nicks and dings in wood furniture, sand and paint; you can make shape it to create a new handle for a broken mug (sand and paint, lol); its even water tight. It will create a water tight bond instantly. I am pretty sure you could build a bomb shelter out of this stuff if you had enough. And whats even better is they will TRIPLE you order for free! You better go order some right now!

Billy also marketed the Samurai Shark, a super knife sharpener. Its the reason sliced bread was so great… until Mighty Putty. It will sharpen any knife you have to a razor sharp edge. No more dull knives in you kitchen. Steak knives, pairing knives, serrated knives, ginsu knives, even that knife you use ob bread… all amazingly sharp. Butter does not stand a chance now. It will even work for scissors. Nothing better than scissors that can cut through bone. I wonder if it will make you knives sharp enough to cut through Might Putty…

Good ole Billy… he wants to make sure you are covered. In case you get tired of losing fingers using the wonderfully sharp knives thanks to you Samurai Shark, you can get the Vidallia Slice Wizard. It will magically slice anything you need sliced. no more uneven tomato slices. You can have perfect cucumber slices for your salad. I will slice anything… apples, oranges, bananas, ice, even Mighty Putty… maybe. And if that is not enough, you can change out the attachments for more ways to slice. You can instantly turn potatoes into french fries. McDonald’s, you days are numbered. But wait, there’s more… if you order not, they will include a caddy to neatly store all you magic slicing attachments. You may just have to order two of these wonderments of technology.

Ok, enough of Billy… I found something he didn’t sell. They are Kiniko Foot Pads. You have to visit the site and view the commercial. I will wait… Ok, yes, its gross. Evidently we are all trees or something. Either that or their customers need to wash their feet better. Looking at all the toxins we have in our body, its a wonder we are able to survive. It will even remove cellulite. That amazing… especially since cellulite is not a toxin, but the way skin appears as an effect of fat related to the structure of the skin or something like that. I am not in the medical profession, so look it up. Anyway, I am pretty sure cellulite can not be removed through your feet. My guess is that the foot pads can not do anything a wash cloth and soap can’t do. These people probably feel better because they are clean. But hey, if you still feel the need to try them, they will send you foot pads for life. Can’t argue with that.

Zero Smoke. Magic magnets that you put on your ear that will help you quit smoking, I think. They say you are supposed to continue smoking as usual. You wear these magnets for 2-4 hours a day, and they release chemicals in your brain that mimic the effects of smoking. You will gradually lose the urge to stop smoking because the magnets are your nicotine. Whatever.

I don’t have the energy to discuss the other commercials I saw… commercials for exercise programs, diet suppliments, they are overwhelming. Well if you have read this far, I guess you found my rant somewhat interesting… you must have a sad, sad life… lol. Just kidding… kinda.